Lets Throw A Mediocre Party!

It's that time of the year again!
You know the time! Graduation!
When you have to go to a party for every other family you know who has some asshole kid who's name you don't even know... and yet still feel obligated to give them some kind of graduation prize money.
I think it's time we got over this little trend.
Face it... a LOT of people are graduating.
It really doesn't feel like that much of an accomplishment anymore..
Especially not high school.
My expectations for graduating high school were pretty much... just show up most of the time.
And considering... the millions of students who have the mental capacity of rocks... I really consider the high school standard of graduation to just be a pulse anymore.

As for College Graduation parties... is that really necessary?
Isn't college an optional goal?
That seems like a bit of an ego-feeder... "Let's celebrate your accomplishing the goal you set for yourself!"
I don't know, maybe people just aren't that goal oriented anymore... but I feel like if I get a party for my 4 year optional goal, can't dad get a party for finishing his 4 year goal of building a shed?
Pfft.

It's not that I don't think we should celebrate graduating high school or college... I just think we should call these parties something else.
Make them a little bit more specific and personal.. you know....
So I present to you my "Alternate Themed Graduation Parties!"

- The Last Accomplishment of Your Life Party - I'm sure you've all heard the phrase "peaked in high school." Lets face it... some people just do. They just don't have the ambition to do quite much once they are finished.
Now, before you think... "well... they could get a job, have a baby, get married." Those don't count... I could find people who haven't finished high school who have done all of those things. ... more than once.
SHIT! I could find people IN high school who have done all of those things. But that's my first one! Celebrating, the end of your progressive life!

- More Fuel To Feed My Child's Ego Party - For those kids who were overly-ambitious in high school and brought home various academic and athletic awards.
They didn't do this for themselves, or college resumes... they did it so various family and friends would come to their graduation and want to talk and hear all about their accomplishments. They did more than graduate! They graduated top of Class! Captain of all their teams!
They outdid people who didn't care to try or show up. Keep it up tiger!

- I Can't Believe I Lived to See the Day Party - This party isn't for parents who are shocked that their kids actually finished school, NO I mean it in a literal sense. They are surprised their moron kid didn't get them self killed somewhere along the line.
Whether they had a dumb, gang-banging kid who hung out with the wrong crowds and got into the worst kind of trouble, or their proud of skank kids who weren't taken down by the hiv, or that their children weren't struck down by the teenage angst that takes so many teens down. "Congratulations Son! Despite the fact that you said you'd kill yourself if your high school sweet heart left you... you managed to get through with just a couple of wrist scars!"

- Families Excuse to Drink Together in Excess Party - For those people who have families anything like mine; graduations, marriages, communions... anything is a potential party in which we can all booze up.
This one's simple and straight to the point, who are you kidding... no one cares you're graduating high school... shit half the family doesn't even know how old you are let alone what grade you're in... just enjoy the opportunity to drink with your friends in front of your parents and get away with it.

- The Greatest Child of Them All Party - This party is for the youngest or one of many kids in a larger family. Not only that but it's more centered on the parents finally having a child to celebrate accomplishing something.
They look at their other 3 free-loading, good for nothing kids... and then at their newly high school/college graduated child and realize at least that's one seed of theirs that won't be financially burdening them into their 40's.
"Great Job Son! You're a much better child than your brother and sister... and that's why we love you."

- Financial Services Party - This party has one purpose... money. A Graduation is, with the exception of birthdays, the last chance to have people just giving you free money. Face it, graduating high school... you need money... you need to go to the beach this summer... and buy beer and cigarettes... and if you're graduating college! Shit you need money to start your real life, and for that real life you're going to need beer and cigarettes! So enjoy the free money, and don't kid yourself... you don't care nor does anyone else at this junction about the actual graduation. You want money, and societal standards state that people give you money for your mediocre societal standard accomplishment.